Contrary to popular belief, marginalized groups actually don’t owe allies anything and aren’t obligated to praise allies just for showing basic human decency.
No but marginalized groups can’t treat allies like shit either
Yea we know, otherwise you’ll literally kill us
Yup, allies get violent when you cross them.
- trans women: this dude's a real piece of shit. he keeps yelling at me that i'm acting "male socialized" and that i'm being "misogynist against men."
- other trans women: oh yeah i've run into him before, he's spent literally weeks harassing me.
- trans men: this is some fucked up shit
- trans women: thanks, i'm glad we can get some empathy from you guys
- trans men: shut the fuck up and stop libeling my brothers and gaslighting the trans man community, we have it hard enough without you male harpies weaving the nasty lies about us.
tw: emotional manipulation, manufacturing consent, sexual contact/dating between a minor and an adult, victim blaming.
This post has been a long time coming. I have already talked to my close friends individually about this, and I’ve wanted to do this for a while, I’ve just been really freaked out tbqh. But this is something that I feel like I need to do because I’ve promised a lot of people that I would and I don’t want to hurt any more people with my silence.
About a year ago, when I was 24, I got involved with a 16 year old trans woman for about a week, and we ended up sexting (with no images) once. This was the first time I’ve ever done something like this, and I plan on it being the last.
After this happened, after I fucking came to my senses, I tried to put this behind me, I tried to just say to myself “ok, I made this mistake, I’ll just make sure not to do it again and go on with my life”. I deliberately concealed my actions from people who I cared about, both because I was ashamed of what I did and because I was worried people would think less of me (both very fucked up reasons, but they’re the truth). This was really fucked up and disingenuous of me to do and it hurt a lot of people. I had no idea how much it would hurt them, and I am so very sorry that I did.
There is one more interpersonal issue that I wanted to address as well. I’ve been struggling with Major Depressive Disorder for some time now, and it’s made me quite fragile. To the point where at times I find it really hard to take criticism, crying and self-flagellating, asking if I was a bad person. This would frequently shut down conversations that really needed to happen and made people feel unable to or unsafe or unheard in expressing their needs and boundaries to me. In one instance this behavior made someone feel uncomfortable about ending a relationship with me. For that, too, I deeply apologize.
In any case, I wanted to let everyone know the steps I am taking to hold myself accountable:
- I’m not hanging out with minors anymore. I’m an adult and I should have friends who are adults.
- I’m going to excuse myself from survivor safe spaces.
- I’m going to tell all my future partners both about the incident with the 16 year old, and my emotional self-flagellation tendencies.
- I’m talking about these issues with my therapist, who herself is a member of the radical queer community and has extensive experience dealing with radical consent. I am also attending and Intensive Outpatient Program that is helping me with my self-esteem issues.
I am not the first person to post about my actions. Here is a link to another account written by a 3rd party who was pretty removed from this. Though this person doesn’t have an understanding of the accountability efforts I have undertaken, I feel everyone has the right to read it as well. If there’s anything else folks would like me to do in order to hold myself accountable please let me know. My inbox is open. Also, if you would like distance from me or need me to unfollow you, just shoot me a message and it will be done.
Alright, didn’t wanna have to do this twice but okay. I am the “removed third party” and the person who wrote the post linked at the end.
I’m gonna list point by point everything that happened with you and the young girl
- You said you two were “dating” and you were happy to have a “sexting” buddy
- You briefly talked about having her move in with us.
- When confronted on the fact that this was fucked up you lied and said “we didn’t do anything” which I knew to be untrue, and you had already told me you were sexting
- The next day, you came to apologize to me. Your apology was complete victim blaming and passing the blame along to others as well. You said things like “well she SEEMS older” and “she wanted it to”. You also said you did it because your partner was away for a few weeks and you were lonely.
- You neglected to tell this to your current partners.
- You brought up AGAIN months later that you wanted to date her again and had to be told it was a bad idea. Obviously, you just don’t learn and will continue doing whatever you want at whatever the cost.
- You still continue to pass the blame off on others, ignoring your former friends who demanded accountability and gave you way too many chances. (All we got was this bullshit post and those bullshit messages you sent out.)
And here’s some other stuff I wanted to address
- You also manufactured consent with someone. You consistently referred to you two as dating when you had never talked about with the person and come to a clear conclusion. You made them afraid to say no to you.
- I did read the message you sent out, or at least one of them. And it was complete bullshit. It didn’t mention most of the story of you and the young woman or the manufacturing of consent or any of the emotional manipulation involved or the violating of boundaries and consent.
- Your accountability is bullshit.
- Also, you may get a notification that I followed you. This was an accident while trying to find this post on your blog and I immediately unfollowed you.
Here is the TL;DR version:
- Milo doesn’t know how to respect boundaries even when they are clearly set
- Milo sexted a 16-year old and then did an incredible amount of victim blaming and avoiding accountability. Months later, wanted to date her again
- Milo manufactured consent and made someone afraid to say no to dating them.
- Milo is emotional manipulative and continues to be so even after being told what they were doing was fucked up.
- Milo is an unsafe and dangerous person who has been lying and manipulating those around them for their own gain who refuses any real accountability.
My ask box is open for questions, if needed.