Since the criticism of this post was met largely with total disregard, dismissal and sneers of how stupid it was, I’m just going to insert my perspective real basic.
I really do assume that almost all men who have sex with women are looking for a sexual relationship based on mutual affection and mutual pleasure.
This is not true of my experience. This is not true of many women that I know.
I believe most men are invested enough in the happiness of their romantic partner and have spent enough of their life genuinely concerned with the well-being of people around them, that they would never find themselves in a situation where a romantic partner tells them one day that they have been raping her.
This is not true of my experience. This is not true of many women I know. This ignores many of the ways rape happens and the way people rape.
Almost all men are perfectly capable of reading non-verbal communication. And most men don’t cavalierly ignore non-verbal communication to continue with the fucking they wanted.
This is profoundly not true of my experience. This is not true of many women that I know.
Now, in saying all of this is not true of my experience or that of many women that I know, I’m not claiming that it’s never happened and never happened to me! I have had positive sexual experiences with men where mutual affection and mutual pleasure and care and concern and attention has been shown. But it hasn’t made up the bulk of my experience! Several other women have flagged that it has not been the bulk of their experience either, only to be met with ridicule and derision. Why? In favour of coddling men’s egotistic need to believe they could never be rapists, that only bad bogeymen like Schwyzer do that??
This is our problem with the post. Because in the way the discussion has been set up, what’s left then is that it’s our fault this is the way it’s been for us. Because actually the vast majority of men are sensitive attentive lovers really invested in their partner in a genuine and authentic way and we’re just the nitwits who keep choosing the rapists.
Look, I don’t tolerate any accidental rape bullshit and I agree that’s what Schwyzer is trying to do and it’s completely fucked up and wrong and apologist.
But when we push back against this idea that most men don’t want to rape, would never find themselves in a place where a partner says they’ve been raping them, don’t ignore cues to continue doing what they want - we don’t think they’re doing any of that shit accidentally! Even if they get all confused and wide eyed and perplexed about it later on, no it’s not ignorance. They just chose to ignore the cues in favour of their orgasm because it’s a murky area to define and social power is on their side. Or they just don’t care until it seems like it might have repercussions, like them being made to confront it. These are not narcissists or sociopaths! They’re just men! Normal, every day, average men. Splitting them into two camps is bullshit!
Also, suggesting we shouldn’t be cynical based on our experiences seems way fucked up and anti-feminist to me.