ethicalslut, fetlife user
My sex life in a nutshell. Queer sex is a lot of things. It can be hard to figure out.
ethicalslut, fetlife user
My sex life in a nutshell. Queer sex is a lot of things. It can be hard to figure out.
As I have repeatedly said, this really pisses me off. But people, especially trans fundamentalists, seem unable to do otherwise. Why is this? What is so bloody vital about a cissexist, binarist system that is enforced to the detriment of all trans* and non-binary people that we absolutely need to obey it even as we seek to overthrow it? The fact that trans* people are assuming my casab based on what I say means that they’ve become kapos for enforcing the systemic oppression of trans* people, that they assume trans* people are a monolith (or should be), and that casab determines everything about us, including our thoughts. It’s bullshit. CASAB IS BULLSHIT. It was forced upon us, but as trans* and non-binary people, we determined that it wasn’t going to define us, that we know ourselves better than that. And yet…
And yet here we are with trans* and non-binary people deciding our casab defines us. What the hell. I am trans* and non-binary and I call bullshit.
It’s like they don’t even realize that by validating the coercive birth assignment system, they are inadvertently saying “actually trans & non-binary people don’t exist” because if birth assignment was valid, it would actually work for everyone.
Which is not to say our experiences can’t be heavily influenced by people’s treatment of us based on our birth sex assignment, but a lot of other things play into it too, and not everyone of the same birth sex assignment is going to experience the same things the same way.
I think the biggest reason people like to cling to [C]ASAB/DSAB language is because it gives us a shorthand for discussing otherwise tricky things like childhood, gendered socialization, medical/anatomy-related bullshit, and how people treat us based on our perceived birth sex assignment. Which… I get the temptation, but we really need to develop better ways of discussing these things without painting people with such a broad brush that we erase people’s experiences that don’t fit.
And personally, I think our ways of discussing this may need to differ based on being trans & binary-ID vs. non-binary (regardless of whether these folks are also trans-identified or not.) I just think it works really different for binary trans folks than non-binary (trans) folks because if you actually identify with a gender that is seen as legitimate (regardless of whether you are actually treated as or accepted as that gender) you are going to actually have a compass. Non-binary folks in general aren’t going to see representations of their genders (or similar genders) that are universally validated, so we have a lot more to figure out when we’re piecing together who and what we are. It’s just a different process.
Edit: I meant to mention something in here about how a lot of this stuff can affect intersex folks differently than trans and non-binary folks, so that might need to be an additional conversation. I don’t want to speak for intersex folks as a dyadic person, but I did want to mention that universally lumping their experiences in with dyadic folks of their same birth sex assignment is also fucked up.
At this point my casab is basically a bit of interesting trivia. What matters in my everyday life is mostly the gender I’m read as (usually gender-non-conforming female or occasionally teen boy offline, usually male online, androgyne to some wonderful people I love), and secondarily my primary and secondary sexual characteristics (I have a vag and tits and a uterus).
Also issues of gender socialization are very different for a lot of nonbinary people. I’ve picked up bits of male and female socialization, because my brain was like “oooh, yes, this is directed at guys, therefore it is meant for me.” Lumping me in with other members of my casab to talk about socialization is not just misgendering, it’s inaccurate.
That’s exactly what I’ve been on about and what so many people seem to be willfully ignoring.
“pegging” does not need to be a thing
it’s anal sex
hetero men can’t handle just calling it “anal sex” because we associate butt sex with gay men (homophobia!) and straight women (sexism!)
so instead we need a “special term” for it because straight dudes getting it up the ass are “different” than the gay men and straight women that culturally are supposed to LOVE it up the butt
it’s anal sex, straight men are on the receiving end of anal sex, and that’s okay. and you don’t need a special word for it.
Yeah, let’s drop the homophobia and misogyny. Anal sex is anal sex.
i’d let the british invade me if you know what i mean
brings a whole new meaning to “the british are coming”
My British fiancé and I play this sort of thing all the time. He really likes eating out my substance*. >_>
* From the American Declaration of Independence: “He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers out to harass our people and eat out their substance.”
“Sex acts are degrading when they make you feel degraded — and nobody gets to decide that but you, not even feminism.” YES THANK YOU.
Sometimes people change their minds about what feels degrading to them, and that’s ok too. People need room to explore in order to figure out how they feel about sexual acts. When a sex act is pre-judged as “bad” (or “good” for that matter), it introduces external pressure to the situation and makes it harder for people to figure out what they really like. There is already enough pressure to perform in ways we don’t like–not just with sex but with gender and every other aspect of our lives. Applying pressure in the opposite direction doesn’t fix the problem, it just increases the tension. Rather than pressuring people to behave the “right” way, it is more effective to give them the room to explore and decide for themselves without judgment.
Respect and sexuality are two different things.
some people need to read this over and over and over
For example, trans women who might hook up with a cis-gendered guy and then he goes home with her and finds out she has a penis and flips out and beats her up or kills her. That’s horrible, and I really believe by not disclosing it’s very disrespectful to the other person because they might not be into it and it makes them feel very freaked out about themselves.
He is literally saying that if a man takes a woman home and then finds he isn’t interested in fucking her, killing her is a natural reaction.
This is literally what he is defending.
Male entitlement in the extreme.
Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaa whoaa that is not OK. WOW.
Like all “if you do x instead of y you won’t get raped/murdered/whatever” victim-blaming of women, this is also completely detached from reality. Many cis men have murdered their sexual partners even though they already knew their partner was trans before having sex with her. Afterward, however, they may suddenly feel insecure. Maybe they weren’t as cool with it as they thought. Maybe their cis scum friends start spreading rumors and making him into a joke. And then male entitlement sets in and makes them think, “it’s all her fault I feel insecure, maybe I should kill her. Everyone will empathize with me, the murderer, anyway, so why not?”
So what then? If a trans woman is murdered post-coitus by a cis dude, what are you going to say then? “Murder is bad, but you should have known cis men can be dangerous”? When does this stop being the woman’s fault?
If you’re ever about to say “murder is bad, but…” and then blame the victim, do everyone a favor and stop.
As I said elsewhere, cis people are able to not beat and murder trans people. They choose to beat and murder. The idea that trans people are so abhorrent that we have to be destroyed, or at least warned about so that cis people can maybe control their urge to destroy us, is transphobia at its worst. That it comes from a trans man makes it sad as well as horribly transphobic and transmisogynist.
When radical feminists insist that women’s bathrooms should be exclusively for “biological females”, they invariably fail to actually explain how the hell this is supposed to work.
As a purely political term coined by radical feminists, “biological female” is both scientifically and legally meaningless — even radical feminists themselves argue incessantly about which biological features define “biological femaleness”. And then what? Are feminists going to station a nurse with a blood sampling kit at the door of every women’s bathroom, or are they simply going to endorse the ongoing practice of attacking any person who is suspected of being a trans woman based solely on appearance?
For those who say that intersex women are ok but not trans women, which intersex conditions are allowed, what kind of medical documentation is required, and who is allowed to demand papers? For those who insist that trans men should be allowed to use women’s bathrooms, how exactly are trans men to be distinguished from cis men? How precisely do radical feminists propose that the law enforce legal sex/gender segregation by means other than legal sex/gender, especially considering the status quo is that men’s and women’s bathrooms are a social convention without formal standing in the law?
Keep in mind that gender policing against trans women has repeatedly proven itself to also target cis women who are not conventionally feminine, especially (but not exclusively) butch lesbians. Do radical feminists who support policing have any answers there, or are “unfeminine” women acceptable collateral damage in the holy crusade to purge the bathrooms of trans women?
sigh i know i’ve made this post at least a dozen times before but once again: cis people, i’m gonna need you to stop explaining being trans as “identifying as a gender different from what your sex dictates”.
listen, my sex doesn’t dictate SHIT, on account of it’s an arbitrary collection of organs and dangly bits and chromosomes which are not, in fact, sentient, and are therefore incapable of designating me as any kind of gender at all.
my body is not the culprit here, dysphoria aside. the culprit is you. yes, cis people, you! you are the ones doing the dictating, not the contents of my pants! so any time you want to stop implying that the ills trans people face are solely the fault of our darn backwards bodies that would be like, super awesome? thanks.
Sex is not really much of a coherent thing anyway on its own. It is, as the oldsters say, a social construct.
You have hopefully heard about Tobi Hill-Meyer, who made the groundbreaking, award-winning Doing It Ourselves: The Trans Women Porn Project. Well, she’s doing it again with a documentary film project titled just that. Doing It Again: In Depth is a documentary about the sexual relationships of trans* women, trans* feminine people, and trans* female people (Yes, that’s right, this project includes non-binary people, which explains why I’m writing about it now).
Watch the video preview for more of an idea:
Like the previous project, this is about letting trans* women/females/feminine people and sex, but this is not porn. This is an erotic documentary where people will talk about their sexual relationships, about how they hookup, how they shag, and shag, letting trans* people represent themselves. I think it’s an incredibly powerful and effective way to counter the horrible cultural tropes about trans* sexuality, especially the transmisogynist ones.
What it needs right now is support, both economic and spreading the word. If you can support it monetarily, please do so at the Kickstarter project link. Not only will you be supporting something that helps trans* people, you will get some neat things for your support. If you can’t support it monetarily, let your friends know about it. The more people that know about this, the better.
This post is about a sexual problem, so if you have trouble hearing about “lady bits”, do not keep reading.
Is it just me, or is it horrible to hear about “guys” using their vaginas for sex?
yes omfg that…
*ahem* SOME MEN HAVE VAGINAS. GET OVER IT.
Seriously the whole “transier than thou” shit is so not cool. So what if a guy uses his body as it is? His body. His business. Not yours.
And to think people take an already potentially embarassing question and use it to shame someone even more. Fuck.
To the OP and others with similar issues, I would suggest indeed bring it up with your doctor. I know a guy who was recently prescribed estrogen and instructed to start dilating because of that, but if it’s not to the point of being that big of a problem yet you might be able to help in the moment by going slow, using lots of lube, and possibly using smaller toys and such for awhile.
Eh, I feel weird about using the phrase “lady bits’ but whatevah whatevah you do what you want.
It’s likely that you’re doing more ripping, and less stretching down yonder. I’ve had rippage before and it sucks. I would recommend bringing it up with your doctor. My suggestion is to take much more time on the build up, and wait longer before getting to front hole penetration. Using more lubricant can help. I know pre-T I hardly ever used lube because I already had a slip-n-slide. It’s possible that you might need more lubricant, or are going too fast.
I would emphasise using lube and going slower and perhaps gentler (at least at first). I also find thinking of it as being similar to back hole (ie, anal) penetration helps at least when I’m the one doing the penetrating (eg, I remember that I can’t count on self-lubrication, can’t just start going at it fast and hard, etc).